Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Gay Missouri

I grew up in rural Missouri with a father (a protestant minister) who favored equal rights for gays. He was probably the only one who did in the town we lived in. He worked actively within the church conference to achieve equal status for gay ministers.

I was not as educated as my dad. In school, I knew one gay boy who was slightly younger than me. He was considered a freak and suffered cruel name calling. The one openly gay woman I knew was ostracized by the entire community, and I was afraid to go in the bathroom if she was in there. I remember writing to my boyfriend as late as my sophmore year in college and telling him I was "grossed out" by two men holding hands. I am ashamed to admit that I couldn't understand how anyone could be gay.

I had always been sympathetic to blacks, to Jews, to women, but it wasn't until I took a women and politics class from a brilliant and emotionally vulnerable lesbian professor in college, that I began to see gay and lesbian people as human beings, just like me.

It was 1988, and I was asked to stop searching for "why?" Although I have theories (for almost anything), acceptance does not ask "why?." It is absolutely insulting to ask a gay person why they are gay. I was at a party in the 90s when a doctor asked a gay friend what his childhood was like and when did he realize that he was gay? I imagined the doctor putting my friend on a psychologist's couch. It hit me as to why this is a very personal question that pecks at the core of a person's being, it is not party banter. What makes you a woman? A man? Some people wouldn't mind answering such a question, but we cannot assume that everyone will.

Yesterday, in 2004, Missouri became the first state to ban same sex marriages by writing exclusive language into their state constitution. It was a special and primary election. When I learned this, although I did expect it, I was deeply ashamed again.

It is time for marriage to cease being a federal or legal bond. Marriage in 2004 is starting to be legally reserved for straight people, the people who manage to barely maintain 1 out of 2 marriage. The threat to "traditional" marriage is not gays and lesbians, it is not Hollywood, it is not women's equality.

The threat to straight marriage is quite simply straight people's unprincipled behavior and emotional cluelessness. Believe me, I've been there, done that. Every unhappy marriage that I've observed or read about has had the hallmark problems listed below. I can only think of a handful, maybe four, marriages that don't fit this description--these problems are COMMON--MORE than 1 out of 2.

-lack of communication
-lack of understanding
-lack of respect
-jealousy
-mixed up priorities (such as money and work over family and friendships)
-opposing or misaligned values (trauma for kids)
-industrial/corporate lifestyle (debt, less time with loved ones)
-educational systems that don't teach how to deal with or prevent any of the above
-and more...

Work on those threats, Missouri. Make "marriage" the dominion of churches and any community organization that supports and nurtures families. Take government out of it. If you are straight, homosexuality has nothing to do with your marriage (unless you have gay kids) and it does have a part of the natural order of life.

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