I only skimmed the New Republic's article about Blacksburg, but it seems to sum up the events of that day as a kind of "evil in man" that can't be avoided...pity the Columbine generation.
That is such BS and a cop out, no, we can't control the hearts of men, bla, bla, bla, but shouldn't we at least try to understand man? What do we know about humankind?!! Why don't we all know it?!
An event such as this, in its extremity, in its direct and fatal attack on our social agreements (love, friendship, learning), shines a bright light on exactly these aspects of this world, that the Columbine generation, and the rest of us, have to endure.
I've read SO many books on childrearing because, frankly, healthy childrearing didn't go in (which is a big part of the reason I rant on this blog).
The bottom line is this: What goes in, comes out, what doesn't go in, doesn't come out.
In essence, we are, with some genetic influence, what our parents and the adults around us, create. I humbly think that most of us need to give parenting a hell a lot of thought and work, and that means mostly on ourselves.
As for parenting/adult influences on children, the most eye opening thing I've learned since my son was born is that boys are born more emotionally sensitive than girls, and guess what? We generally ask them, more than girls, to stifle/ignore their feelings for their entire childhood (albeit this very often happens to girls, too). That's a powder keg in the making. Most people wind up raging at their own kids, and themselves (you probably know them, you're lucky if you don't, and wow, do I crave that community), but some, like Cho, take out their rage on the rest of us.
As for the genetic influence, this can compound the environmental influences:
We are a society that loves EXTROVERTS.
Most experts believe that we are either born extroverts or introverts. The majority of us our extroverts. The extroverts normally make it very difficult for introverts. And, low and behold, introverts are MORE EMOTIONALLY SENSITIVE than extroverts.
Introverts are prudent, they think before they speak, they take time to process what they experience, and being around people drains their energy.
Extroverts speak as they are thinking, they don't take much time to make decisions, and being around people increases their energy.
In other words, extroverts and introverts are nearly opposites. It becomes painfully clear how an extrovert, or extroverts, can dominate an introvert and make life difficult for them. I am an extrovert with introverted preferences, and I've seen how Generation Y, more than any other generation before it, has been defined by its "team" mentality. One could also read that as "clique city." There is enormous pressure on young people, even my young son who will be TWO this year, to JOIN THE GROUP. He can manage it, but he still needs breaks from the crowd that his teachers don't see or get. I can spot the introverted children, they are so genuine they haven't learned to hide their preferences yet, they make it clear to us that they want to be alone with us, or by themselves, and it makes me sad that parents are constantly haranging them to join the group, go play, be with those children, JOIN! I know the parents don't mean any harm, but this is such a symptom of how we are taught so little about ourselves, or how to understand ourselves and our children. How to accept our DIFFERENCES!
I'm just thinking about how we could go a long way as a nation by becoming emotionally aware, understanding different personalities, and by making way for and accepting that normal people need space alone, away from the group.
My brother is one of the happiest introverts I know and he says, "I enjoy being by myself for hours." He admitted to me recently how he was a very emotionally sensitive child. How often do you hear people say that?
5 comments:
This introvert is glad he found this post. Thanks. Well said.
I'm not sure I agree introverts are more sensitive than extroverts. Yes, this society warms towards extroverts. But extroverts often seem gregarious in order to hide their sensitivity.
I agree 100% about your chacterization of the gender division: "I've learned since my son was born is that boys are born more emotionally sensitive than girls, and guess what? We generally ask them, more than girls, to stifle/ignore their feelings for their entire childhood (albeit this very often happens to girls, too)." Yes, absolutely right.
However, we must be careful to categorize people into specific groups based on gender or personality types. The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World might be a good read for you. The book suports your post.
However, many people in society swing from depression to extroverion or mania; bipolar disorder, known as a disease that tends to affect highly intelligent individuals, such as Beethoven. Such illness arises people with extremely sensitive psyches, including during the manic (or extroversion) stage.
Are many extroverts "closet introverts?" Accordingly, we have to be careful who we term extroverts or introverts, and who is more or less sensitive. Such categorization borders on non-acceptance.
The APA provides articles on shyness that support both our opinions. Steve Pavlina's How to Go From Introvert to Extrovert provides an interesting inner perspective. He writes: Like many introverts I was pressured by others to socialize more. But I largely resisted this pressure, partly because I enjoyed being an introvert. I often viewed extroverts as lacking in intelligence and depth, and I can’t say I wanted to count myself among them..
Extroverts experience the same unfavorable opinions as introverts. Ultimately, our perspectives are the same: we could go a long way as a nation by becoming emotionally aware, understanding different personalities, and by making way for and accepting that normal people need space alone, away from the group. Such opinion must also encompass that accepting normal people need time with the group.
Ultimately, as you said, accepting each other is the most important trait for which we can strive.
Very eye-opening post, thank you! I hope I didn't suggest in any way that we should see one or the other personality categories as better that the other, but the characteristics of each type are different and challenging in their combination whether that's within one individual (as in myself) or between different people.
You're right, it's not fair for anyone to label someone else as either type; you've pointed out that it's labeling people (you give me pause!), even though I don't think leaning either way is something to cause shame. But I think it's very important for parents to observe how their children react to different environments, and to react to their children with understanding and love (which can stop short of going around calling their kids introverts/extroverts). So understanding that my son leans toward extroversion helps me understand him and his needs, but doesn't blind me from the possiblity of him having introverted needs. I think my main point of this post, however, is that parents of extroverted kids more often ignore the needs of extroverted kids (maybe it's the same for all kids).
I actually believe that some normal people never need time with a group other than one or two close friends, and their family (maybe that's what you meant).
Peace.
You are awesome, urbanpink! Thank you for your gracious response. I believe labeling people concerns me so much because I've always believed it's the first step towards prejudice.
And, yes, some people only need time with one or two close friends and family. That's exactly what I meant.
I don't know about extroverted kids ignoring introverts. You've given me pause, too. Hope you have a good evening.
Thanks Stella, thanks for your incredibly informed analysis, and for catching that I meant that parents sometimes ignore the needs of introverted kids (I mistakenly wrote "extroverted" kids).
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