Expecting moral purity and a suppressed sexuality has not worked in thousands of years, for either sex.

This above is what I said to Bill Gnade, of Contratimes. I accuse him of placing the responsibility for fixing sexual problems in our culture on women’s behavior instead of equally placing this responsibility on men.

Gnade replies "As for your suggestion that thousands of years of moral posturing have failed to bring some sort of peace in the battle of the sexes, I first want to ask how it is that anyone can know that."

I think the whole debate we're having is based on the premise that there is something unhealthy about a lot of relationships between men and women. That is at least one small way how we know that moral "posturing" has not brought peace to our species (in more ways than this).

"It seems to be thoroughly obvious that holiness, grace, love, mercy, compassion and chastity have never harmed a soul."

I agree that genuinely modeling these qualities does not hurt people, and I think our culture has yet to adopt a global way to teach them in meaningful ways. I am specifically asking you to apply the requirements of chastity to both sexes equally, if you are to ask it of either sex.

"But what your remark actually reminds me of is a G. K. Chesterton quote: "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." Moral purity (which has always eluded me, but I try, irrespective of all the cultural resistance against it and all the societal excuses provided daily) can never be wrong, it can only be difficult. It is always easiest to be morally lazy; it is far easier to be a lecherous man than it is to be a gentleman; it is far easier to be mean than it is to be kind."

I agree with Chesterton's comment, I believe that many leading Christians in this country find it difficult to follow Jesus' example of humility, compassion, grace and mercy toward others. How many prominent ministers teach people NOT to judge others, and to treat "sinners" with dignity and love? Jesus did not judge and label, instead he had loving dialogues with troubled people and led everyone to find G-d inside themselves. In essence, to love themselves, G-d, and others. His tools and rhetoric did not use fear, guilt or shame to change people. That, to me, is something like moral purity. Such a vision of love and holiness among men moves my Jewish soul.

As for me, I would never set moral purity, or any kind of perfection, as a goal. I have four encompassing moral principles that I try to uphold on a daily basis, and I'm lucky if I get two under my belt. But I keep trying, every day. I continue to overcome the effects of being expected to be perfect and to never make mistakes; I believe that this kind of thinking destroys joy, life and love.

"Bottom line is this: I blame men for the plight of women; and I blame some women for letting other women oppress all women with male-defined ideals of personhood."

I truly can't follow that trail of shifting responsibilities--women let women oppress women with male ideas? What? When there are unhealthy relationships, I blame the men who emotionally and physically abuse women, and I blame the women who emotionally and physically abuse men, and I nearly always blame the families and the governments who fail to seek the necessary education and tools to stop abuse. Yes, I want justice! But frankly, all this blaming and judging does not solve our problems or bring justice to relationships. I would much rather focus on the solutions, and for me, those solutions don't involve guilt, shame and the resulting cycle of self-hate, victimization and blame. I believe that people respond eagerly and heal more quickly with hope, responsibility, health, self-knowlege and self-love, learning to love, empathy, and emotional intelligence.

"By having sex with men who have not even earned the right to touch a woman, women are rewarding behavior that, if not blatantly bad, is ignoble, immature, shallow, insincere, and often corrupt and ridiculous. But nowhere in this am I suggesting that men need not become better men. I am saying they have no reason to improve themselves, because they can find what they want so easily in women who have been duped into thinking that their bodies are toys (and that medicine can rescue them from being so treated)."

You are strongly suggesting that sex is a reward from women to men. That seems rather one-way to me. In my culture, and in the context of marriage, sex is actually characterized as a reward to women from men. I dare say that sex generally rewards us both (more so in a healthy relationship, of course).

You are saying that corrupt, insincere, ignoble men should become better men, but will not do so, nor should we expect them to do so, until women stop having sex with them; aka tempting them. You are shifting men's responsibility for improving their behavior onto a change in the behavior of women. Why can't we expect men to say "no" in the face of temptation? That's like saying that thieves have no reason to stop stealing until mobsters stop funding their exploits.

"Why be a gentleman if women are encouraged – truly – to be self-determined harlots in the cult in which we now live, granting nearly free access to their wondrous bodies for the smallest price?"

Why be honest if everyone around you lies? Why pay for your groceries when there's a riot? Why love your kids when you weren't loved? I feel quite comfortable expecting men to be gentlemen in the face of unhealthy temptations. I believe in the Golden Rule.

In many situations, if a gentleman doesn't ask for sex, even a "harlot" won't engage in it. But why call women harlots (now that's an ad hominem) when doing so signals to men that women who have sex with them, in the same manner that they have sex with women, don't deserve to be treated with dignity? "Well honey, I might be sinning but you're the harlot, so don't let the door hit you on the way out."

"I am saying that sexual sorrows are like certain diseases: I am not blaming the victim for having the disease, but I might blame that victim who chooses to ignore the only known cure."

In unhealthy relationships, I don't see women as victims any more than men--at least no more than the general situations that are unfair to women because we're paid less, considered less intelligent, and have a greater challenge to balance children and forms of work (which can be activated by such unhealthy encounters). Women are often the victims of discrimination and rape, but not promiscuous sex. Promiscuous sex is a mutual decision. Just because our culture doesn't expect men to say "no" doesn't mean we don't have to expect men to say no. We are not victims of commercial and pornographic images of women, we are just compared to them. We all have to deal with being compared to better or stereotypical images of ourselves.

I realize that you state that you don’t want to make abortion illegal, but I did not accuse you of wanting to make abortion illegal. I apologize if my statement seemed to imply that. I was talking about the effect of more fatherless children being a result of making abortion illegal. However, for someone who ostensibly supports legal abortions I find it notable that you viciously attack the motives of other people who want to keep abortion legal, assuming that their reasons are less moral than yours. I do not recognize the feelings that I have about the act of abortion in the characterizations you make about pro-choice feminists in the your Kicking at the Darkness blog, and I am a pro-choice feminist. I think you’re building straw men. As you request, I will say so on your blog.

I do apologize for calling you extremely judgmental. I never want to judge people, just their ideas and words, as you so eloquently say.

I did not find your misunderstanding of my motherhood status as insulting, I have a lot of respect for single mothers, as you do.

I believe that this will be my last comment about your blog and our argument on my blog. I much prefer having less contentious blog experiences. I look forward to reading your response.

Thank you for your kind comments, and I hope for much love and good experiences in your life.